by Larry Low
Martin Martello has television on the brain. No, he has not had a video implant, nor does he particularly like television. It is a matter of record that he absolutely abhors it. Goodness knows, he has said so often enough. He’s a guy, who through no fault of his own, is equipped to watch the Yankees shellacking the Blue Jays, while the teacher is droning on about the heavenly feeling one can derive from using adverbs to good advantage. Does Martin take advantage of the opportunity? Seeing as he already has the game in his head he could close his eyes for a moment and see the winning run being scored. Seeing as he already has the game in his head he could close his eyes for a moment and see the winning run being scored. Heck no! He would rather delve into the rather devious life of adverbs.
Martin is the only one in our class who has a clue about the esoteric rule known as the left adverb constraint. I mean how many kids in grade seven have any idea what the left adverb constraint is or what part it is likely to play in furthering their education? For most of us, of course, it is not likely to play any part whatsoever, in spite of valiant attempts to the contrary by devoted English teachers.
Just in case, there is the remotest possibility that you won’t be able to get to sleep tonight because I’ve made you feel cerebrally impoverished, I’m going to let you in on a secret. I promise you, you will be delighted. Not. The left adverb constraint is as follows. Some adverbs are comfortable before the verb that is to say, to the left of the verb. Other adverbs can be used comfortably after the verb. It is fairly likely that you use this rule unconsciously and correctly and you do not even know that you know it. I just did it. Fairly doesn’t do well when it comes before the verb. It is called a deep structure rule but I don’t think you are going to need to know that so disregard any remarks I may make about deep structure rules. I’ll cut to the chase and bring you up to speed on the left adverb constraint in all its glory. All this really means is that some adverbs sound okay when they are put before the verb and others do not.
Back to the game. If Martin were to tune into the game, he wouldn’t miss anything about adverbs that he didn’t already know. He has scads of television programs stored in his head and almost as many rules about syntax, semantics and so on, whatever they may prove to be. Think of his brain as having a VCR chip implanted in it, a digital chip, housing a huge storehouse of videos on file, which he is able to call up on demand. That may very well be what happened. None of us knows. Imagine how tolerable that would make Social Studies. In a different scenario, picture escaping to Dennis the Menace on Saturday morning right in front of your mother’s unsuspecting eyes.
Once inside his head, television images seem to go where they wish. They often make him uneasy, sometimes almost to the point of terror. Shortly after this began to occur, almost as far back as I can remember, Martin began to avoid television at every opportunity. His parents did not complain overly much when he was adamant that homework came first. Somehow, Martin never did quite get around to watching TV in a manner similar to the way most of us never quite get around to getting our homework done. During videos at school, Martin merely closes his eyes. Maybe he tunes into another channel or he could even sleep, I don’t know. Our teacher never twigs or else she feigns not to notice for Martin always scores extremely close to a hundred percent on every quiz.
I do know that many mothers on our block simply adore Martin and have begun to rely on him. The mother of the twins next door and Henry’s mom, who lives two doors down have soft spots in their hearts for Martin. After school, the twins and Henry gather to watch cartoons. When Martin arrives, he urges everyone to play in the sunshine, the mother of the moment shoos us out the door. Before we know it, the mother of the moment has ejected us. In no time at all, a game of roller hockey has broken out on the street.
Martin is the top scorer. The rest of us come home with the elbows out of our brand new shirts but not Martin Martello. He was considered indestructible until one day, he ended up in a traffic accident while riding his bike along our quiet street. As if it weren't bad enough that the ambulance came wailing to the scene, worse was to follow.
For the gang, the worst thing was that we were too young to be allowed to visit Martin, who was for a period, said to be in a coma. If that weren't bad enough, wouldn't you know that there was another dastardly event waiting patiently for Martin to surface into the land of the conscious. How could Martin have possibly anticipated that one day, he would put himself in a position where he would get caught up with the workings of the Boob Tube? The thought of it would be enough to make him ill. On this particular occasion, the thought did not sicken him; it merely made him nasty.
Martin’s situation is unique but it has little to do with his present hospital stay. Now that Martin is awake I will let him tell the rest of the story.
Over to you, Martin.
“Thanks Hank.”
"However before I go, I just want to make sure that you understand that it was Martin's idea for him to tell the rest of the story in the first person. I hope you don't mind but Martin knows much more about this first person, third person way of narrating. As for me, I'm lost in the second person or is that impossible?